


Three Drunken Wizards Walk Out of a Bar

by islandsmoke



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, First Time, Humor, M/M, Rimming, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2020-01-23 12:07:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18549442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandsmoke/pseuds/islandsmoke
Summary: A chance meeting seems the perfect time to settle Sirius’ burning curiosity.





	Three Drunken Wizards Walk Out of a Bar

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Daily Deviant's Kinky Kristmas as a gift for akatnamedeaster who wanted: Severus/Sirius/Remus, tipsy, awkward, light, humorous, first-time, rimming, oral... I think I covered it.  
> Beta: Hogwarts Honey

~~~~

“Look what crawled out from under its rock.” Sirius scowled across the dimly lit pub.

Remus half turned and peered owlishly through the haze created by smoke and alcohol. “That Severus?”

“Snivellussss,” a sneer twisted Sirius’ face as he hissed the word.

“Well,” Remus burped politely behind his hand. “He’s entitled to get pissed, same as the rest of us, isn’t he?”

“Ugly, greasy git.” Sirius grumbled into his beer.

Remus sighed. “We’re not at school anymore, Siri. Give it a rest, will you?”

Sirius’ eyes widened, and then he frowned as he tried to focus on Remus’ face. “Why are you always defending him?” He looked to where Severus was making his way back to his table with his drink. “You don’t fancy him, do you? I always wondered, back at school, you know. If you fancied him.”

“Course not.” Remus fiddled with the ashtray that sat on the table. “But I don’t hate him, and don’t see why you do.” He took a drink of his cider. “Why do you?”

When Sirius looked confused, he went on. “Hate him.”

“Because he breathes.” Sirius was peering at the dark corner into which Severus had disappeared.

Remus sighed. “Look, why don’t we go. We can stop over and see James and Lily. They’re usually good for a bit of nosh.”

Sirius leered. “I got somethin’ you can nosh on.”

“Totally rat-arsed,” Remus muttered as he stood and hauled Sirius up by the back of his collar.

“Am not.” To prove it, Sirius straightened up and walked, almost steadily, toward the door. Shaking his head, Remus followed.

They paused to take deep breaths of the chilly night air before moving off down the street.

“You don’t suppose he’s following us, do you?”

“Who?” Remus’ attention was focused on looking more sober than he was.

“Snivellus.” Sirius stepped carefully over something that wasn’t there.

“Why would he be?” Remus’ head was starting to clear a little.

“Why else would he be in the same Muggle pub in Brighton?”

Remus shrugged. “On holiday? Chance? How would I know? And why would I care?”

“Seems odd is all.” Sirius looked back over his shoulder.

“I’m beginning to think maybe it’s _you_ who fancies him, the way you go on about him.”

Sirius muttered something extremely rude under his breath and turned down an alley.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“Even I’m not so pissed I forgot where I parked my bike.”

“Oh, no. No, no, no, no.” Remus caught up with him and grabbed his shoulder. “You are not riding that thing in your condition, and I am _certainly_ not riding with you.”

“What do you suggest, then?” Sirius pulled away and made a show of straightening his leather jacket.

“Night Bus?”

Sirius looked ill. “Gods, no, I’d spew.”

“Fine.” Remus looked annoyed. “We’ll just hang around until you sober up, shall we?” He looked up at the clear sky, lit by a half moon. “We could walk on the beach.”

“How very romantic.” The snide drawl came out of the darkness.

Sirius whirled around to find a wand pointed at the end of his nose. He struggled to focus on it.

“God and _fuck,_ Snivellus, you nearly gave me a heart attack. Moony, I _told_ you he was following us.”

“On the contrary, Black. It is you who is following me.”

Remus shouldered between the two of them. “All right, look. No one is following anyone. _Right,_ Severus?” He fixed the glowering man with a warning glare.

Severus sniffed and pocketed his wand. “Well, I certainly wasn’t following the two of you.”

“The hell you weren’t. I oughta…” Sirius tried to push past Remus, and for a moment, it seemed he might succeed.

“Damn it all, Siri, cut it out. I swear to the gods that if you lay a hand on him I will never suck your cock again.”

A very complete silence descended on the narrow alley. Remus stopped breathing and looked as though he wanted nothing more than for the earth to open up and swallow him.

“You suck him?” The question was blurted out, causing a similar expression to then come over Severus’ face.

“I… yes.” Remus wiped a hand over his face.

Sirius puffed up. “He’s good at it, too.”

“I know.” The snapped retort made Remus groan.

Sirius’ eyes widened almost comically, and he seemed to have forgotten all his former animosity in the face of this new information.

“You do?” He turned to Remus. “You’ve _sucked his cock?“_

Remus took a deep slow breath. “Yes, Sirius, I have. More than once.”

“Oh.” Sirius looked from one to the other, then he blinked. “So… is it true?”

“Is what true?” Remus was wary. Sirius tended to be, overall, a good-natured drunk, but Remus couldn’t be sure, not when Severus was involved.

“That he’s hung like a centaur?”

Severus laughed. It was so unexpected that the remaining tension dissolved completely.

“Having fantasies about me, Black?”

“The rumours were quite persistent.” He turned to Remus. “ _Are_ they true?”

Remus‘ voice had a spiteful edge. “If you weren’t so nasty to him all the time, maybe you’d know.” He glared at Sirius. “Perhaps if you show him yours, he’ll show you his.”

“No need to go unbalanced, Moony.” He looked Severus up and down. “I was just wondering.”

There were several seconds of silence in which Severus looked smug, Sirius looked speculative, and Remus looked uncomfortable. And maybe a bit wistful.

“Can I watch?” The question was almost whispered.

Severus eyebrows went up, and Remus’ jaw dropped. “ _Watch?_ Watch what?”

‘C’mon, Remus, you know. I…,” Sirius gulped and glanced briefly at Severus. “I’d love to watch you suck a really big cock.”

“I am _not_ putting on some cheap, back-alley peep show for you!” Remus’ face was incandescent, even in the moonlight.

“There’s always the beach,” Severus offered.

“Shut up, you!” Remus rounded on Severus. “What? You _want_ to put on a show for Sirius?”

Severus shrugged. “He seems so _desperately_ curious.”

Their eyes locked for a moment, then an expression of longing flickered briefly over Remus’ face. It disappeared almost instantly, but not before Severus had seen it. His eyes softened and Remus was lost.

“We’ll all go to hell for this.” Remus muttered even as he approached Severus.

“I’ve been there,” Severus’ whisper was so low only Remus heard. “No one there sucks cock. Not the way you do, anyway.”

Remus groaned as he dropped to his knees on the cobbles. He raised his hands and smoothed them over Severus‘ hips. His hands rested there as Severus opened his jeans and slowly and deliberately drew out his hardening cock.

Sirius’ groan almost startled Remus. He was so focused on Severus, he‘d nearly forgotten their audience. Sirius moved closer, his eyes alight and his lips slightly parted as Remus licked his way up the long, thick shaft and swirled his tongue around the purpling head. He slipped the tip into his mouth, wetting it well, then took in a inch or so at a time until at last it was stretching his throat and his nose was buried in the thick curls of Severus’ groin. He had to back off a little to inhale the familiar, musky scent of which he was so fond.

Yes, he had sucked Severus Snape’s cock before.

The surroundings faded for Remus as he concentrated on bringing the most pleasure to the two of them that he could. He felt Severus’ long fingers tangle in his hair, not pulling, not directing, just… touching. When they curled slightly, it was his warning, and he took that lovely cock all the way in, working it with his tongue until it pulsed deep in his throat.

When it stilled, Remus drew back slowly, lapping the last drop from the tip before sighing and sitting back on his heels. A grunt from Sirius turned his head just in time to see Sirius stroking the last of his release from his own swollen cock.

“ _Satisfied,_ Black?” Severus’ voice was smug as he tucked himself away and straightened his jacket.

“What? Yeah.” Sirius seemed a little stunned. “I think, though, that Moony’s been rather cheated here.” He looked pointedly at Remus’ crotch where his erection was swelling the front of his jeans. A wicked smile suddenly lit his face. “You ever make Remus beg?”

When Severus looked unimpressed, he went on. “Really beg. Babble, plead, damn near cry.”

Severus raised an eyebrow and Remus shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re suggesting Sirius, but no.”

“Oh, yeah.” Sirius came close to Remus, cupping the back of his neck with one hand and kissing him firmly, even as he fumbled the front of Remus’ jeans open. Leaving off the kiss, he tugged briefly at Remus clothes before vanishing them with a word.

Remus yelped. “You better be able to get those back!”

“Stop whinging.” Sirius turned him to face the wall of the souvenir shop, nudged Remus’ feet apart and dropped to his knees.

“Oh, gods, Siri, not _here._ “ Remus didn’t know whether to laugh or weep.

But Sirius ignored him, squeezing, pinching and kneading Remus’ buttocks until with a muttered, “Oh, fuck,” Remus buried his face on the folded arms he’d braced against the wall. That seemed to be Sirius’ signal as he leaned forward and _licked_ from the back of Remus’ sack to his hole. Remus shuddered deeply, but Sirius paid no heed as he continued to lick, placing the flat of his tongue against Remus’ hole and wiggling it, then dancing around the edge of the bright pink pucker with the tip until Remus was gasping and whimpering. When he dipped his tongue inside, Remus made a most exquisite keening noise.

Remus was shaking all over, and odd sounds bubbled out of his mouth where it was clamped on his forearm. A long, glistening trail of precome hung from the tip of his straining, neglected cock.

Severus couldn’t stand it and, dropping to the paving stones, inched between Remus and the wall. He traded looks with Sirius before taking Remus to the root. It took only a few strokes of that hot mouth combined with Sirius’ talents behind, and Remus was howling against his clenched teeth, his body jerking and knees sagging. Severus and Sirius held him up with hands sure to leave bruises until Remus had completely spent himself.

Sirius retrieved Remus’ jeans from behind the rusty tip where they had ended up, and brushed some rather suspect spots off the knees before returning them.

Remus was leaning against Severus, his hands on the narrow shoulders and his face hidden against Severus’ neck. Severus gave his flank one long stroke before stepping back as Sirius handed Remus his clothes.

“Well, that‘s that.” Remus tugged his jeans up over his slim hips.

“Easy for you to say.” Sirius looked down as though he hadn’t said anything.

“What?” Remus and Severus stared at him.

“Nothing.” Sirius turned his petulant expression in the direction of the beach.

Severus and Remus traded puzzled looks, then Remus suddenly grinned.

“Got another stiffy, Siri?”

“Who wouldn’t, listening to you howl like that. Bet Sni… Snape does, too.”

When Remus turned his eyes to Severus, he was met with a shrug and an apologetic smirk.

“But first…,” Sirius reached for the inside pocket of his leather jacket.

Severus’ hand twitched in the direction of his wand, but Sirius didn’t notice as he pulled out a silver flask, uncorked it and took a long drink. He passed the flask to Severus, who also drank.

“You think you’ll need that for something?” Remus looked amused.

“Well,” Sirius took a deep breath. “If I’m going to be buggered by that monster of Snape’s, I just might.”

Severus sprayed alcohol everywhere, then proceeded to cough until he was red in the face.

_“What?”_ He finally managed to choke out.

Sirius spread his feet and squared his shoulders. “I can handle it, if you think you’re _up_ for it.”

Severus took two long swallows of the liquor, then locked eyes with Sirius. “It’ll be my pleasure, Black.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. _Sirius._ You _saw_ the size of him, he’ll split you open.” Remus absently drank from the flask in his agitation.

Sirius’ chin was up. “I can handle him, Moony. If you can, I can.”

“But…, I never….” Remus voice trailed off as Severus gave him a quelling look.

Sirius wasn’t listening, anyway. His jeans were already kicked aside, and he was bracing his hands against the wall, feet spread wide.

“Siri, have you ever had _any_ cock up your arse? It’s… it’s….”

“Don’t you worry, Moony. It’s not my first time.”

“Right,” Remus muttered, a sceptical look on his face.

Severus had already moved behind Sirius, and was shoving his pants down below his hips. He stroked his cock to full, glorious hardness, then aimed it at Sirius. He hesitated, throwing Remus a slightly wide-eyed look.

“Lube!” Remus started out of his daze and barked a little too loudly. “Lots and lots of lube.”

He fumbled with the spell for a moment, then his cupped hands were brimming with oil. He slathered a generous amount over Severus cock, taking time to cover every inch, then smeared the rest over Sirius hole. Massaging gently, he worked first one, then two fingers inside.

Sirius moaned and pushed back against his hand.

“Yeah, now.”

Remus withdrew his fingers, but stood close by as Severus lined up the head of his cock and pressed steadily.

Nothing happened.

Sirius took a deep breath and blew it out in a gust, and the head of Severus’ cock slipped in. And not just the head. Aided by the over-abundance of lube, his cock sank half its length into Sirius body before any of them could react.

Sirius howled.

Severus froze.

Remus scrambled for his wand and threw up every remotely applicable spell he could think of to keep them hidden.

Panting, Sirius reached for the flask and took another large gulp.

Severus gave Remus a slightly panicked look and Remus shrugged. Sirius settled things.

“Come on then, Snape. What are you waiting for?”

Severus brows snapped down as his hips snapped forward and once again Sirius was howling, this time his nails clawed at the bricks as well, but Severus held his hips hard, keeping his cock buried deeply inside.

“Fuck, don’t move.” Sirius’ voice was a weak gasp. He was shaking and sweating and he reached for the flask again.

“Damn,” his head was hanging, his sweat-soaked hair plastered to his cheek. “That feels bloody _brilliant.”_

Severus started to move then, withdrawing slowly to the head of his cock, then sliding just as slowly back in. Sirius groaned deep in his chest, and Severus picked up the pace, his hips stuttering now and then as he momentarily lost his rhythm.

Remus reached around Sirius and took his cock in hand, stroking in time with Severus thrusts. He then loosed his own garments, and with a sigh, stroked himself as well.

Severus watched for a second, then leaned forward and kissed Remus deeply.

It didn’t take long, and soon they were all leaning against each other in a panting, sweating, sticky, thoroughly spent mess.

“Damn,” Sirius wiped his hand over his face.

“Indeed,” Severus was slightly breathless.

Remus was grateful they were all in one piece.

There were cleaning charms all around, a tear to mend in Remus’ jumper, and a healing charm for Sirius’ very tender behind. He did have to ride his bike home, after all.

“What on earth…?” Severus poked his wand at a cluster of fairy lights on top of a bin, and they fluttered off.

“I just… I tried everything.” Remus looked apologetic.

“I hope not _quite_ everything,” Severus peered around the corner into the street.

Remus laughed, feeling lighter than he had in ages. “We’re stopping by James and Lily’s for a bit,” he looked suddenly shy. “Maybe you could join us.”

Severus raised an eyebrow. “Maybe not.” He turned to Sirius. “So, Black. Are the rumours true?”

Sirius looked sullen for a moment, then grinned. “Yeah. Close enough, anyway.”

~~^~~


End file.
